


My Hands (they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find)

by midnightmumblings



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I seriously made myself cry as I wrote this, M/M, Please Don't Kill Me, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Seriously this is a bit heavier than what I usually write, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, potential trigger warnings, rated t for cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24554134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightmumblings/pseuds/midnightmumblings
Summary: His hands just can't stop shaking.
Relationships: Josh Cullen Santos/Justin De Dios
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	My Hands (they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find)

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTES (PLEASE READ BEFORE GOING INTO THE STORY)
> 
> I try tackling some pretty heavy themes with this one. It can be incredibly difficult to lose someone you love, especially if it happens suddenly in an accident. I read up a bit on Survivor Guilt, and it happens to people usually after traumatic events. I tried to really embody that, but there was just too much going on.
> 
> Potential trigger warnings. Please do take caution before reading, and heed the tags. 
> 
> in any case, constructive criticism is very much welcome. Please do let me know how I could have improved this.
> 
> More notes at the end. 
> 
> Stan SB19!

***

_"He's waking up!"_

_"Thank God."_

_"His hand moved, did you see that?"_

_Justin blinked his eyes, squinting against the bright white light that flooded his vision. He couldn't move…there was something in his throat, and the harsh smell of antiseptic permeated the room._

_"Mr. de Dios?" a voice echoed. "Mr. de Dios, can you hear me?"_

_He turned his head slightly to see a blurred figure in what appeared to be a lab coat._

_"Mr. de Dios, blink twice if you can hear me."_

_With much difficulty, Justin blinked his eyes - once...twice…_

_"Very good. Mr. de Dios, my name is Dr. Mariel Natividad. You are in the Intensive Care Unit at the Philippine General Hospital, and you've been in a coma for a week now."_

_What?_

_"We're glad you're back with us. Take it easy now, you're in good hands." Dr. Mariel was saying. "I think we can transfer him to a regular room once he's fully awake."_

*****JnJ*****

_“Mr. de Dios, how are you feeling?”_

_“Like I’ve been hit by a truck.”_

_Dr. Mariel let out a small laugh. “That is not too far from what happened. Your friends are here to see you.”_

_“Okay,” he rasped out, and almost immediately, Sejun, Stell, and Ken came charging into his hospital room._

_“I’ll leave you to it,” Dr. Mariel said with a smile as she closed the door behind her._

_They were alone now, in the hospital room, with Justin laying in the middle still hooked up to several machines._

_“Oh thank god,” Sejun breathed out as he was the first one to reach him. “You’re okay.”_

_Justin tried sitting up, but his hands could not stop shaking. Dr. Mariel explained that it was the effect of the nerves in his hands being damaged from the accident. Nothing a little physical therapy wouldn’t fix, she said._

_“We were so worried,” Ken added, sitting at the foot of Justin’s bed._

_“I’m okay,” Justin replied softly as the three hugged him one at a time and -_

_Wait._

_Three?_

_“Where’s Josh?” He asked and he could almost feel the three freeze._

_“Uh,” Stell stuttered. Ken looked down, and Sejun moved away a bit._

_“Where’s Josh? Where’s my fiance?” Justin asked, dread filling him with every second that passed. “Why isn’t he here, guys?”_

_“Justin I...we don’t know how to tell you.”_

_Justin tried sitting up again, ignoring the pain that shot up his arms as he put pressure on his hands._

_This wasn’t right._

_“Where is he?” Justin asked again, and the machines around him started to beep in rapid succession._

_“Justin, breathe,” Sejun told him, trying to calm the younger. “Your heart rate…”_

_“WHERE IS HE?” He yelled out, catching them off guard. “If you don’t fucking tell me-”_

_“He didn’t make it.”_

_Justin stopped. The words registered, but his brain refused to make sense of the words._

_“What?” He asked weakly, falling back into the pillows._

_Sejun was the one who bravely approached him. “Josh he...the police report said that he wrapped himself around you just as the truck crashed and....”_

_Justin suddenly recalls the loud squealing of tires and metal. He remembers the sickening crunch of a truck that ran into them at full speed...and there was Josh’s scream of “Jah! No!” before he was enveloped in soft arms and…_

_“What?” He asked again. This can’t be true. It can’t be…_

_“Justin, we’re sorry. He tried to fight. He really did,” Stell said, a warble in his voice as he tried not to cry. “He said he’s sorry he couldn’t say goodbye.”_

_“No...no…” Justin said, breath getting heavy. He could feel the tremors in his hands intensify. “No he can’t…”_

_“We’re sorry, Jah…but Josh…” Sejun’s voice hitched as he broke the news._

**Josh is gone.**

Justin looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was long and unkempt, scraggly strands falling into his face. He had let his facial hair grow out, a result of doing the bare minimum in shaving partly because of his injuries, but mostly because he didn’t even care anymore. The circles around his eyes were more pronounced, dark and deep like the black void that consumed his life.

His hands were shaking again. 

Justin reached out for his pills in the medicine cabinet. He tried twisting the cap open, cursing under his breath when the tremors in his hands caused a few more pills to spill out than necessary.

“Need any help?” 

“Fuck off, Ken.” Justin hissed, trying his best to twist the cap back in place. He managed halfway before Ken took the bottle from his hands and twisted it shut in front of him.

Justin glared at him. “What part of _fuck off_ was unclear to you?”

“Oh, it was perfectly clear, but I couldn’t just stand here and let you suffer.” Ken replied as he placed the bottle back in the cabinet. 

“I can do things by myself, Ken. I’m not a fucking invalid.” Justin spat as he turned around, ignoring Ken’s pleas for him to come back. 

They took turns in checking in on him. That was apparently Justin’s life now. Sejun went and got them all duplicates of his house keys, so whether Justin wanted it or not, one or all of them would come in everyday to help him out since…

...well since Josh was laid to rest.

An unfortunate result of the accident was that, now, Justin’s hands still could not stop shaking. Physical therapy was still ongoing, but despite how much he tried, the tremors in his hands continued. 

They were a painful reminder of what he lost.

“Justin?” Ken spoke softly. “I have to go to work but...I left breakfast out on the table for you.”

Justin grunted in response. 

He knew he was being difficult. He knew his friends just wanted to help, to make his life a little bit easier now that he couldn’t do most things by himself.

The one thing they couldn’t do, though, was bring Josh back.

And Justin doesn’t know how much it kills them that they couldn’t do that.

*****JnJ*****

**Josh’s clothes were still in their closet.**

**They still smelled like him.**

**Justin clutches one of Josh’s shirts close to him as he cries himself to sleep at night.**

*****JnJ*****

“Justin, what do you say, let’s go out?”

Justin stared at Stell who was standing in his front lawn, pulling two bikes along with him. Where he got them, Justin had no fucking clue, but from the look on Stell’s face, he apparently thought this was a good idea.

“No.” Justin said shortly before he turned to go back inside.

“Oh come on,” Stell insisted, letting the bikes fall to the ground as he caught up with Justin before he could shut the door. “It’s a lovely day, what do you say?”

Justin stared at him. “Stell, I can’t even fucking grip a spoon for the life of me. What makes you think I can ride a fucking bike?”

Understanding dawned on Stell’s face. “Oh right...I’m sorry I...I just thought we could go out and enjoy some sun. You’ve been cooped up in here for so long.”

“I’m not in the mood, Stell.” Justin said as he moved to close the door, but Stell stuck his foot in before he could slam it shut.

“That’s okay!” Stell exclaimed. “We can stay inside, watch a movie. Let’s order pizza, just like the good old days.”

Justin shook his head. “Stell, I just want to be alone now.”

“No, come on, we’ll watch a movie and tell each other stories. It’ll be just like-”

“Can’t you take _no_ for an answer?” Justin growled. “I said I want to be alone, so leave me the fuck alone!”

Stell stood, stunned. His lower lip started to tremble, and Justin would feel some guilt, but at this stage, he felt absolutely nothing. 

He took the opportunity to close the door in Stell’s face, slamming it hard enough that he nearly broke the hinges. 

He knew he should say sorry to Stell, call him back and thank him for the effort.

But the empty void inside consumed him, extinguishing any semblance of guilt he might have felt.

*****JnJ*****

**Josh had a half-empty bottle of cologne that he rarely used.**

**It smelled like vanilla and cinnamon.**

**With shaky hands, Justin sprayed his pillows with it, inhaling the familiar scent.**

**It was as if Josh never left.**

*****JnJ*****

“You should say sorry to Stell,” were Sejun’s first words when he walked into Justin’s house, arms crossed. “He was making an effort, and you just threw it in his face.”

“Go away, Sejun.” Justin muttered from where he was buried in bed. It was one of those days. His hands were shaking terribly, and he didn’t feel like getting up at all. “I don’t need your mother-henning today.”

Sejun let out a frustrated sigh. “You’re being a brat, Justin. Newsflash, the world doesn’t revolve around you.”

“I didn’t ask you to barge into my house every day,” Justin said, peeking from the pillows with a glare. “I just want to be left alone.”

“We’re doing this to help you, can’t you see-” Sejun trailed off as he ran a hand through his hair. “Why do you have to be so difficult about this?”

Justin didn’t respond. Instead, he buried himself further into the bed, ignoring Sejun.

“You know what, fine. I’ll leave you alone.” Sejun said, backing out of the room. “I left some takeout on the table. Eat it or leave it, I don’t care either way.”

When Justin finally managed to drag himself out of bed, he spotted the sandwiches that Sejun left on the table.

Unable to ignore his stomach’s rumbling, Justin gingerly unwrapped one of the sandwiches and tried to eat.

His hands were still shaking.

*****JnJ*****

**He finally managed to unlock Josh’s liquor cabinet.**

**His hands were in pain as he tried to turn the little numbers on the padlock. His fingers protested as he stuck a key and turned it.**

**He poured the amber liquid down his throat. The burn helped to distract him from the pain in his fingers. The heat helped in quelling the dark chasm that continued to roar in his chest.**

**Justin was on the precipice, and he could just fall and let the void take him.**

**He opened another bottle.**

*****JnJ*****

Justin blinked his eyes open. A bright light greeted him again, and he squinted against the harsh glare. The overwhelming smell of antiseptic flooded his nose again, and he knew, without a doubt, that he was back in the hospital.

He craned his neck to see Sejun, Stell, and Ken sitting there, fast asleep.

_What happened?_

“I wasn’t expecting to see you back here, Justin.” A voice intoned, and Justin turned his neck to see Dr. Mariel, a disappointed look on her face. She shook her head with a sigh. “We nearly lost you. If it weren’t for your friends...”

“Then you should’ve just let me.” He snapped in response, voice scratchy and “What point was there in bringing me back?”

Dr. Mariel didn’t reply. Instead, she adjusted the levels on Justin’s IV.

“They brought you in here for alcohol poisoning,” Dr. Mariel then said as she wrote on his chart. “We had to pump your stomach.”

“I didn’t ask for that.”

“Yeah, well, you weren’t breathing so we didn’t ask,” a voice snapped from the other side of the room, and Justin looked to see Sejun glaring at him.

“I’ll check in on you in a few hours, Justin.” Dr. Mariel said as she hung the chart at the foot of his bed. 

When Dr. Mariel left, Sejun rounded on Justin. “How dare you?”

Justin stared back impassively. “Save me the lecture, Sejun.”

“No, because you need to hear this you ungrateful piece of shit!” Sejun yelled, nearly charging forward. Justin was sure if Stell and Ken didn’t hold him back, he probably would’ve punched Justin.

“How fucking dare you!” Sejun roared again. “He sacrificed his life for you, and this is how you repay him?”

And oh, that struck a chord. 

“Don’t you fucking dare drag him into this!” Justin yelled back, further straining his voice. His hands shook vigorously. 

“No, because you’re acting like a goddamn asshole about everything!” Sejun yelled back. “Get your head out of your ass for one second and then maybe you’ll realize you’re not the only one that’s grieving.”

“He was our friend too, Justin.” Ken said, a frown on his face. 

“We’re all sad, and we miss him,” Stell added. “He wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

“What do you know about what he wants?” Justin snapped back. “If you didn’t want to deal with me anymore then maybe you should’ve just let me die!”

Sejun wrenched his arms out of Stell and Ken’s grip. “You know what, fuck this. I’m done.”

And with that, Sejun turned on his heel and walked out the room.

“I’ll go with him, make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid,” Stell said, and followed after Sejun, leaving Ken and Justin in the room.

Ken sighed. He looked at Justin, and his heart broke at the forlorn figure that sat on the bed. Justin’s hands were shaking at his sides, and his breathing was uneven. 

“Justin?” He spoke softly. Justin gave no indication that he heard Ken, but he approached nonetheless. 

“It should’ve been me,” Justin whimpered, tears streaming down his face. “Why did it have to be him?”

“I can’t answer that for you,” Ken replied, sitting by his side. “But, think about it like this: Josh loved you so much that he willingly took the hit, because he couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.”

And finally, after weeks of keeping it bottled in, Justin broke down, crying for a love that he lost.

*****JnJ*****

**“Hi, love!” Josh was saying from the video. He was grinning widely at the camera, handsome as ever.**

**“I just want you to know that I love you so much,” he was saying. “Always remember that, okay?”**

**Justin sniffled from behind his pillow, tears streaming down his cheeks.**

**“I love you more than life itself,” Josh added. “You don’t know how much, but I will continue loving you until my last breath, and even a little bit more after that.”**

**Josh seemed to look at something out of frame before he focused again on the camera. “I gotta go. Always take care, okay, baby? I love you!”**

**And Justin cried. He cried until there were no more tears left to give.**

*****JnJ*****

“Talking about it might help,” Stell said, handing Justin the contact details of a very good therapist. “I know there’s a lot of shit you have to sort through right now, but maybe getting it out will help you to at least make sense of things.”

Justin took the slip of paper and stared at it for longer than necessary.

And for the first time in weeks, he looked up at Stell and murmured “thank you.”

Stell smiled brilliantly. “Let me know how it goes, okay? And Justin, if you ever need to talk, you know I’m always here.”

*****JnJ*****

Sejun opened the door to see Justin standing there. He had managed to at least clean up somewhat, hair tied back and facial hair trimmed.

“I’m sorry,” were the first words Justin said. “I was an ass, and you were just trying to help.”

Sejun looked back at him impassively, but his features softened. “You clean up good.”

Justin let out a wet chuckle at that. “Ken helped.”

With shaky hands, Justin then reached out to him. 

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated, tears welling up in his cheeks. “I got so caught up in my own grief that I didn’t realize...you were all grieving too.”

“And I’m sorry too,” Sejun replied, taking Justin’s shaking hands in his. “I’m sorry for exploding like that. I should’ve been more understanding of your situation. You loved him so much, and it must’ve killed you that you didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

Justin nodded before he hung his head.

“Justin?” Sejun whispered, before pulling Justin close to him. “Let’s visit him?”

*****JnJ*****

Sejun called Ken and Stell, and both were already standing there by the time Sejun and Justin arrived.

At the sight of the headstone, Justin fell to his knees.

**JOSH CULLEN SANTOS  
10-22-1993 to 12-24-2023  
Loving son, brother, and fiance  
“See you in the next life” **

Justin traced over the letters with his trembling fingers, as if committing every curve to memory. It was white marble, a cold stone that did not represent Josh at all, but it reflected the sun brightly, almost as if it was alive.

“Love?” Justin whispered. “I’m sorry it took me this long to visit you. I wasn’t in a very good place, but I’m starting to get there.”

He sat down, playing with the grass around him. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there...I wasn’t there to say goodbye, and I wasn’t there when you took your last breath because...when you were fighting for your life, I was also fighting for mine.”

Justin paused, taking a deep shuddering breath. “I hope you’re still here, love, watching over me. I’ve been an absolute ass to our friends because of everything, but I’m trying, believe me. I’m trying my best to take care of myself, and to accept help when it’s given because well...I was given another chance at life that I most definitely do not deserve because of you.”

“I miss you, every second of every day,” Justin adds after a beat. “I miss your smile, and I miss your laugh, and I miss how you hold me and tell me that it’ll all be okay.”

He didn’t realize he had already started crying until he brought up his sleeve to wipe away at his face.

“I’m trying, I really am, but it’s just so hard without you, my love,” Justin sobbed. “Sometimes, I wish it was me instead of you. In another life, I would be the one protecting you, but it’s weird how the world works.”

The breeze picked up around them, causing Justin’s hair to ruffle in the wind. Justin felt a weird sense of calm overcome him. The black chasm was still ever present in his chest, but it felt distant in this moment, as if something was pulling him back.

“I love you, forever until my last breath,” Justin repeated with a wry grin. “And even a little bit more after that.”

With shaky hands, he laid a single chocolate cosmos flower on the headstone. 

He was far from okay. He was far from getting better, but as his three friends wrapped him in a hug, the breeze dancing around them, Justin looked up at the sky with the first real smile he’s had in weeks.

They’ll get through.

One day.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Justin acts a total asshole here, but he just lost someone he loved so much, and in a sudden accident nonetheless. He was not prepared for it, and he wasn't even able to say goodbye. Sejun also doesn't react as well as he should've, exploding in anger, but we also have to understand they've been trying to help Justin, and he just gets fed up. 
> 
> We're all humans. Nobody's perfect, and our emotions can get the best of us, and I tried to portray that in this particular story. 
> 
> Again, constructive criticism is welcome.


End file.
